The Hidden Something

Ok, so I just blogged about how I have nothing to say and that was true to a degree but it just hit me what I have been trying to say the past few blogs but have been unable to.

So whats up in my life that I have not said so far? Holiness is the answer.
My spirit is at great war with my flesh and I have not relized how serious the battle has been, or perhaps I have realized it but I have not allowed myself to be aware of it? I am not sure but I do know that I realize what I have been looking for!

I am a christian and in such I am to endeavor to live a life holly and acceptable to God. I am a sinner and in that I often want to live a life satisfied with anything BUT God. That is what I have been going through.

So how did this hit me? Well it's because of this girl I know. I like her, she is amazing, she just blows the socks off any other girl I have known BUT I don't feel in love with her! I hardly know her but from what little I do know her and what I have learned about her and her family she is someone I know is SOOO worth trying to get to know. But the fact is that I am so NOT worthy of her getting to know me! I know this and I know that as I am I should not be allowed to date her.

So what does this have to do with anything? Well I have been running after relationships and telling myself that if only I had one things would be better. It is true that I would like to get married but the strangest things have been happening. Over this time I have started to have two things grow stronger and stronger in my life. One thing that has grown strong is the pressing desire to look for a girl now and not wait, to find that relationship that will satisfy (flesh side battle) and at the same time I have found a growing desire to devote my life to Christ and not even consider getting married so that I have more time to give to others in the service of Christ. This second is something that I have never had happen to me and it's interesting how these have both been growing as two polar and opposites desires at the same time.

So I have blogged about wanting to date this girl (and in reality I want to date "A" girl but I know this one is far one of the best) and at the same time I have been blogging about serving others. I know one desire and motivation is wrong (the near desperate attempts to find a relationship I have seen in myself) and the other is so very right! Not to say I am going to ditch the idea of getting married but somehow it's changing.

Remember my two desires? To live a life serving God and to be married and raise a family? Well now it's being reduced once again to one single desire. To serve God. That is a good thing! It clearly has been another strong hold that has been started to get rooted out. I am so blessed with the Holy Spirits work in my life.

So I am glad my eyes where opened to this battle that has quietly been going on in my life so that I can be more aware of it. I am getting more and more content to be who ever God wants me to be. If thats singleness than so be it. If it's getting married to Rachel then so be it, and if it's something totally different that so be it.

The path to holiness is a long one and it will go on my entire life. I need to stop ignoring this battle and consequently some major sins in my life and start dealing with them! The desire Girls/Romance/Sex can get a guy into a lot of trouble as I have seen and I want humble myself so as to give all this to Christ so as to be able to do His bidding for me.

Even in writing this I am finding my heart being more inclined to do God's will and love him (and oddly enough it seems have a purer love for this girl as well) and a stronger desire to be Godly and start being a better stuart with the things God has given me to do right now.

Well thinking of that I should head off to work now and make that money to get my fees payed off so I can get probation off and see if God opens doors for mission work/this girl's dad's heart.

Blessings!